You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
