How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
