Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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