I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
