So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize