if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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