Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
