I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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