I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize