Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
