My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
