turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
