...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
