he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
