Don't EVER smell your tampon
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
