you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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