I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate