Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
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I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
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I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost