Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?