Your tits are I can't wait for
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.