1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Let's get the cat blown out
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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