you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
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Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
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This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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