So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
