I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
