Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
