Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
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She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
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I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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