Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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