peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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