The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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