I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
