Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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