One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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