Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
