youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
