plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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