When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The uberlube is also flammable
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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