i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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