you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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