that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
