Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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