Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
