best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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