Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
