I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
