i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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