We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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