just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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