I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
