I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
