Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
