From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
