The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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