The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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