She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
