i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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