If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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