i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
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my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
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I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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