Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
