textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
