i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
