Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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