You made me cry and you don't even care
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
