I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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