please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
