Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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