I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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