I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
