my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
