My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
