tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
